draw your own line.
July 3, 2008
Yesterday at Men with Pens, Bamboo Forest said the following:
“Life is about balance. And the only person who can draw the line is the individual. If the world draws your own lines – you are in trouble.”
We are ultimately the architects of our own destiny, when you take fate out of the equation. Most of us (bear with me) are privileged to live in great countries, that have good social structure, and hopefully we have family and friends to help us when we fail.
For we will fail.
We will fail. That is how we learn.
Many of us push ourselves very hard – to change, to succeed, whatever. Each of us has our own motivators. Each of us has a breaking point.
But there is a balance.
You define yourself. You are not defined by the world around you.
As Tyler Durden said:
“You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis.”
Dave Navarro asked, Would the World Stop if You Did?
The answer is – no.
But, we would miss you. Don’t kill yourself. Remember, you are perfect, just the way you are.
Take some time out for yourself, and your family, this weekend.
The picture above? That is how I do it. This is my tree. I sit under it, with a cold drink. It might be beer. It might be water. It might be vodka and lemonade.
(I sound like an alcoholic…)
Maybe you like to fish, like Friar.
It does not matter what you do. Just take some time out.
Draw your own line.
We will be here when you return. When you return, to kick ass and take names.
Brett,
Thanks. For the post, I mean, but also for the shout-out. You always get right to the heart of things.
Some people think blogging is stressful, that it does something to them. You hit it here: we do it to ourselves.
Before we could stress ourselves out and use up all our time blogging and Twittering (rhymes with frittering) and the rest, we found other ways to get stressed and lose track of the important things and play too little with our kids. We are the architects of this life that’s been handed to us. We choose, even when we think we don’t.
A lovely reminder.
Regards,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..6 Signs That Mean Your Business Is Going to Have to Try Harder
Kelly,
And thank you too, my friend. That’s just it – we *can* choose. So why don’t we?
I often wonder if electricity really is a blessing, or a curse. Get up when the sun rises, and go to bed when the sun sets and the candle burns down. People obviously had stress in those days too, but we seem so capable of creating it with all that we have today.
Yet we don’t have to…
That tree and I are good friends when the weather is good. I miss it when there’s three feet of snow outside…
-Brett
Brett, I love the analogy of drawing our own lines. So often people say “I have to” rather than “I get to” or “I choose to.” Our language reflects our mindset of having choices made for us when we really are in control. You don’t have to go to work, you choose to. Yes, not going can have consequences but I would much rather realize and exercise my freedom to choose. Your post is a perfect reminder. Thank you my friend!
Karen
Karen,
Exactly. We generally don’t “have to” do much of anything. Once we realize that, once we truly accept that, the possibilities become nearly limitless. We are then able to say, “can and will”, because we believe.
(Wow, does that ever work!)
Great post Brett!
Being a self-employed writer, it’s easy to work every day. However, the weekends are couple time for me and my boyfriend, so unless I have a client asking for a quick turnaround I don’t work on the weekend.
Of course, I often have troubles drawing the line too far onto the other side and I end up not working enough on my fiction during the week…
Cheers,
Alex
PS @ Karen – I agree with you completely. Life is choice, fright from the decisions to keep living and get out of bed every day.
Alex Fayle’s last blog post..Chaos and Drama-Alex
I’m with Kelly
We have a lot of stress that’s self-imposed. We do to ourselves.
As if it isn’t difficult enough to just go to work, come home, make the meals and play with the kids….People have to complicate things even MORE.
Some people get so much into blogging, it’s almost like a part-time job and they get stressed out and guilty of they fall behind.
If it’s not blogging, it’s doing major house renovations on a house that dosen’t need them.
Or it’s taking up a competitive sport (i.e. Iron Man) that sucks out all your free time, so that all you do is go to work, eat, and train.
Or it’s enrollnig your kids in so many organized sports and activities that they dont’ have a life (and you don’t either, because you’re driving them everywhere).
That’s fine if you like all this stuff..but when I see these people, they dont’ seem HAPPY. They just seem rushed and stressed. If you ask them how thigns are going, they roll their eyes, and go “Busy!”
Is this how we want to spend the best years of our life?
Apparently, for many people…YES…!!!
Stop the ride…I want to get off.
Friar’s last blog post..It’s almost like they’re proud of it…
What a great post
I agree that balance is v. important and that we all should take some time off. Though when I take time off, it’s pretty extravagant.
My mom brought me up with an important axiom: work hard, so that you can play hard. And growing up, we did work hard. She was a single parent, so if we wanted anything nice, we ALL had to work toward it. Doesn’t matter what age you are, you have to pitch in somewhere. If we kept the house clean, she could take more hours at work and bring in more money for us all. It was my mom’s way of teaching work ethic (and it worked!)
The thing is, my mom never forgot the “play hard” part either. After pulling together for the whole year, Mom would have enough money saved up to take us on fantastic vacations. I think she realized that a person will become demoralized when she puts in such hard work, but never enjoys the fruits of her labor.
This summer, I get to experience the “play hard” part again: I’m taking a month-long vacation with my sister to visit some friends in Germany. Mom pitched in yet again and now we get to have a once in a lifetime experience
Taking this time off reminds me to work hard and keep my balance.
I may only get time off once in a blue moon, but I make it totally worth it! I won’t take time off this weekend, but I’ll get my balance a bit later
r.l.david02 – TKD Happiness’s last blog post..Why can’t I gain belt rank? (part 1)
Brett,
Love that tree. Nature is the best stress remover there is. Electricity? Curse. Well, except when I want really good lighting for my makeup…
Friar,
Dude, are you my long-lost twin or something?
You can’t imagine how much crap I take for NOT enrolling my daughter in every blooming thing that comes along. She has a crazy life, a high-performance school situation (that she’s happy in), and umpteen hobbies, the best part of which is you can pick ‘em up or put ‘em down. If she were doing all sorts of organized stuff both our heads would blow right off.
The best thing I can teach her is to commit to what you must, excel in all things, and relax. This is the only shot we get at living well.
Until later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..6 Signs That Mean Your Business Is Going to Have to Try Harder
Thanks for the link, Brett, and thanks for spreading that quote. I thought it was one worth retelling myself and it was one that resonated with me and with a lot of others.
Kudos to Bamboo.
James Chartrand – Men with Pens’s last blog post..Losing It All and Starting Over
Believe me, you DO NOT sound anything like an alcoholic with this post! (As a matter of fact, just the opposite!)
Love the photo… love the quote… very, very nicely done.
It seems that I’ve been experimenting with trying to find my own personal breaking point recently. I would like to say it’s because of the world trying to draw the lines, but instead it’s me trying to make the best better, taking good enough and moving it to perfection. Thanks for a reflection point!
Virtual Impax’s last blog post..Increasing Blog Traffic: Trolls and Drive By Readers
@Kelly
Reminds me when I visited my friends a few weeks ago. Their 13 year old daughter in enrolled in every sports team in the county.
She told me that some Saturdays, it’s so busy, they have to rush from one game to another. The buzzer rings, they pack their clothes, hop into the car and drive 70 miles to the next tournament. They dont’ even have time to stop through drive-through and eat…they gulp down their food in the car, and just barely make the next game…They spend whole weekends like this.
Oboy. And how much fun is THAT…???
The sad thing is…she thinks this is normal/typical. Kids are already being taught to run the treadmill at that young age….
Friar’s last blog post..It’s almost like they’re proud of it…
Brett:
*Thank you.*
steph’s last blog post..To English Degree Students Everywhere (and to those who make fun of them)
@ Friar and Kelly –
My friends all did that whole overage on extra-curriculars thing when I was growing up. Even at a young age, it seemed to me that they were running in a little hamster wheel: they (figuratively) ran as hard as they could and never got anywhere. They were so busy, but never had enough focus to achieve much.
Today, these kids have a lot of problems. They don’t have a life’s goal and even if they did, they have no idea how to work toward it. To me, it’s seems as though they’re purposelessly meandering through life. It’s sad — their parents didn’t realize that they were doing the kids more harm than good.
r.l.david02 – TKD Happiness’s last blog post..Why can’t I gain belt rank? (part 1)
[...] often we seem to forget that we are free. In his post today, Brett reminds us that we are free to draw our own lines. Yet, we often act as though the choice is beyond our control. Our words and actions are those of [...]
Hey, yet again your post was timely.
I mentioned that I was losing balance last week? Well guess what? I went home for lunch yesterday. I had a small headache (nothing new there) but by the time I had to leave to go back to work, it was raging.
I said I’ll put my head down to rest for 10 then get back at it. I woke up at 4 o’clock. My head still screamed, so I took the night off, Slept 8 hours last night (1st time ijn a while), woke up tired and I’m still tired and I still have a headache.
This is my body saying (with a Jean-Luc accent) “this far and no further” My body has shut down in an attempt to stop the madness.
I should have drawn the line long before it got to this. Now I have to take it easy, I am getting no work done and that stresses me. But I …. have… to….. slow….down…. (Spoken like Kirk)
If I don’t, I’m gonna burn out. Let this be a lesson to all of you and me. Take it easy! Or your body won’t be easy on you.
Francis
@Francis
Speaking from experience, I know all about burn-out. My job was starting to affect my health last year too. You gotta nip it in the bud, before it gets out of control.
if you don’t, it will come back and hit you with a VENGEANCE. I ended up taking a month off with stress leave.
(Spoken like Scotty): “I canna do anymore, Capn’, she’s already over-loaded as it is”.
Friar’s last blog post..It’s almost like they’re proud of it…
Brett, I always enjoy the discussions that are part of your post too. I learn lots from your smart readers.
Friar and Kelly, *nodding head in vigorous agreement* Yes! Stop the madness! Not only are kids (and parents) stressed but are missing out on learning how to be content with themselves. This leads to all sorts of problems later in life.
Francis, I have experienced that in the past and it led me to learn to make self-care a priority. Your body whispers and if ignored, it screams at you, and if you still don’t listen it knocks you to the ground!
Wow, this reminds me that I really, really need a vacation. Great post, Brett. I need to go draw my line in the sand, preferably with an adult beverage in hand.
Jamie Grove – How Not To Write’s last blog post..How I Almost Started Writing: York
Hi Brett. Thank you for including my comment and link. I agree with your sentiment, that living in a country with a good social structure is something to acknowledge and be grateful for. Good point.
@Alex,
Thank you my friend! I hear you, when working on things we love, it is easy to keep on going. It is something I will have to tackle myself when I am finally out there (here?) on my own. As long as I keep these words in mind, I think I’ll be okay.
(I liked the pictures of your friend’s garden at your blog – you were busy!)
@Friar,
You and I have talked about this more than a few times, so I had those conversations in mind when I wrote this (see, I do listen to you!)
I know those kinds of parents too – and some of them in Splat Creek look at us with disdain because we don’t have our kids in hockey, golf, karate, basket weaving etc. – all are good sports for sure, but we need *balance* – we need quiet time.
I refuse to let my kids eat two of their daily meals in the back of the van on the way to and from hockey.
Sometimes it is good just to sit under a tree and do – nothing.
@RLD,
Thank you very much! It sounds like your mom understands balance very well. There’s a time for work, but it has to be complemented by play.
Sometimes we have to schedule it, or sometimes it just happens. But as long as we have some level of balance that works for us, that is all that matters.
@Kelly,
If you’re ever in our neck of the woods, there’s plenty of room under the tree for another chair.
Electricity is also good when you need light to see yourself shaving. I mean, I can shave “blind” but my sideburns end up on top of my head eventually…
Seriously though, you’re being the best parent that you can be. Keep it up.
@James,
Thank *you*, and you’re welcome. I couldn’t resist once I read it and you had said it would make a good basis for a post.
Yes – kudos to Bamboo for sure.
@Virtual Impax,
I actually took that photo about 10 minutes before I published the post, because I realized I didn’t have a picture of the tree with leaves on it.
I’ve been doing the same thing, so I understand where you’re coming from – I know where my breaking point is, and can comfortably work on everything at about the 80 percent level to leave plenty of time for balance.
PS – I really like your blog, lots of great stuff there!
@steph,
You’re welcome – and thanks as always, my friend.
@Francis,
Hey bro, good to see you here today again. I got like that a little while ago (work) and my body told me to take a break. So I stopped running for a bit.
Once we get a date sorted out, you can come up for a visit and we can sit under that tree to contemplate nothing at all
@Karen,
I agree – the readers and the discussion are more fun than writing the post itself! Your place is much the same, the back and forth in the comments makes it worth the visit. And thank you for the link love as well.
@Jamie,
Thank you very much – get a stick to draw that line, and a cold one in the other hand. That’s the way to do it.
@Bamboo Forest,
Hello! Nice to see you here – you are very welcome, and thank you for the inspiration. Your words really had an impact on me.
@All,
The tree is very big. Everyone is welcome to stop in, and sit underneath it with me. Thank you for joining me today.
RLD,
That is a really interesting perspective. The idea that parents’ not drawing the line properly is inhibiting their kids’ ability to progress without all that structure around them later on. Thanks for that. I hope that means the relaxed approach will serve my little person well as she grows.
Until later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..6 Signs That Mean Your Business Is Going to Have to Try Harder
Brett,
Thanks. One thing about being slightly older than I’d hoped when I had my little person—I am a lot more mellow than when I was younger.
Then again, I’ve always been pretty mellow. It’s served me well through a lot of bad stuff.
I occasionally wonder whether I should stress out more (about life or the little person), and then, I giggle. Laughter, a tree, a glass of vino, love of a fine family, maybe a good massage now and then. No worries.
Later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..6 Signs That Mean Your Business Is Going to Have to Try Harder
Kelly,
You’ve got it well figured out – no need for more stress – just giggle, a tree, some vino, love and the odd massage.
Perfect.
-Brett
Fantastic stuff guys. Loved reading it. A lot to think about.
Thanks.
That line was a stop us all in our tracks thought on MwP so thank you to Bamboo Forest. We all need a “laughing place” and Brett yours looks as serene and inviting as can be. Intimate yet inclusive… a place where Ideas can sift and shift or just get put down as they percolate up….thanks for sharing that beautiful spot that serves you so well…and the beautiful thoughtful words that go with it.
Ahh, it makes me sigh and take a gathering breath…
We really have to be better to ourselves. Draw our own lines. Wonderful comments here from so many kind hearted generous souls.
Janice Cartier’s last blog post..A Goal Setting Template- Part 4
Yes, lots of great comments here.
It’s so funny that at certain times on the blogs I read (and it’s really not that many) they all seem to write about the same thing.
While I was just on vacation, it looks like people either took a lovely break themselves, got burnt/stressed out and stepped away from their blogs for a bit or just reflected on this very thing. Like it’s one big *vibe*…very interesting.
As far as the over-scheduled kid thing goes, I agree (I have none). I asked my friend’s 13 year old if she ever just laid on her bed, listened to music and stared at the ceiling.
I don’t think she did. Teenagers just need to do that once in while. I think all that over-scheduling is rooted in fear from the parents sometimes. And it’s too bad.
Nice one Brett.
Karen JL’s last blog post..Dealing With Dialogue: When the Words Don’t Matter
@Ed,
I enjoyed reading it too – the conversations are very special when they take on lives of their own – so a big thank you to everyone here.
@Janice,
I am glad that you liked the picture, and the words – thank you for being a part of all of this. I spent some time last night under that tree, listening to the neighbourhood kids play (mine were asleep!), listening to the wind.
And then I sat under it again, after nightfall, just before bed. I look forward to a nice break on the weekend, and I’ll probably spend a good part of it, sitting under that tree.
@Karen JL,
I agree – there seems to be a global consciousness, and many of us are saying “slow down world!”
(I’ve seen a research project about this, perhaps I’ll blog about it… you know, it just might fit with this blog.)
Thank you my friend – I’m glad that you liked my words.
[...] manuscript. Happy weekend! As Brett so wonderfully said, sometimes we need to draw the line, just take some time out. And that’s precisely what I mean to [...]
Brett,
Thank you for making people think with this post! I know I am one of the ones who forgets that I am not my job…etc.
It’s also a good thing to remember that the line you draw for yourself doesn’t have to be a straight one, it can be as curvy or jagged as it needs to be!
Thanks!
Jenny’s last blog post..Unintentionally Hurt
Jenny,
I think we all need a reminder of this periodically – I know I do. So I put up little signs in my house
And you are right – your line can be as curved or jagged as you desire – as long as it works for you.
[...] you asked… Brett over at 6weeks modeled an entire entry after my [...]