the greatest thing since sliced vikings.
July 11, 2008
The fastest friends may fall out
When they sit at the banquet-board
It is, and shall be, a shameful thing
When guest quarrels with guest.
- The Hávamál
I couldn’t resist taking a picture of this – who says we don’t have cool stuff at the local grocery store?
(As a side note, the table runner below is made up of stones from the mighty Waikato River in New Zealand. Though our little Vikings try, they cannot destroy it…)
Those crazy Vikings – not only did they obviously invent sliced bread, but they seemed to have some ideas about table manners too.
I read this and really thought about it – truth and wisdom in these words. How often have you sat with friends or family to eat, and ended up in an argument?
I know we have, more than once. And what a shame. A meal with friends or family is a time for celebration.
Put aside differences for later – they can wait. And in most cases, they are not worth it. Have a good meal, and another glass of wine.
(I had too many glasses of wine last night, which is why my post is late today!)
If you have fallen out with a friend or family member, give some thought to picking up the phone, or even a pen and paper for a good old fashioned letter.
Life is far too short to hold onto grudges.
Brett,
Too true. Meals loosen tongues, making it easy to find yourself saying things you could have kept to yourself. A little intense closeness, a little animalistic feeding, and snap!
Maybe it’s especially true now that family meals are becoming more rare. (Got to get in your digs at your sister-in-law, might not see her for a while….)
BTW I looked at the NZ videos you linked over at Friar’s blog. The fruit tree one did give me a longing to get back to nature, for sure. (And to eat a nice kiwi!)
Regards,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..How You Can Be Remarkable: Write Your Own Story
Hi Brett – I was wondering what you’d been eating for a minutes. That’s a great point though. I wasn’t speaking to my parents, but this post has prompted me to give my mother a call. As for my dad – I’ll start speaking to him when he stops being an asshole.
Cath Lawson’s last blog post..No More Bold Advice
Kelly,
I think food (and alcohol) can be “personality enhancers” and sometimes in the wrong way… I wonder if peanut butter – and nothing to drink! – might be a wise choice to serve if conflict is expected. No one would be able to talk!
I love that fruit tree video too. Think I want to go and do that for a while. To heck with nookular stuff.
Cath,
I guess the subject line did sound a bit weird – I wonder if I’ll get some random traffic with it!
We had a family fall-out a few years back which totally got out of hand, between my father and I – and it was over basically nothing. We were able to patch things up. Hopefully your father will think about what he is doing, and make amends. It isn’t worth it, especially with family.
I don’t know.
I think sliced vikings are *still* the greatest thing. :-p
Dave Navarro’s last blog post..Fighting Work-Life Balance Stress: Attack Of The 50-Ft. Goals
Cath – Looks like you’re in a tough situation. On one hand, we don’t want to hold grudges, because grudges are toxic to the soul. On the other hand, trying to make amends with a truly evil person is worse.
Brett – I love this post, I *really* do
And it applies in *most* situations. However, some people shouldn’t make amends. For example, a friend of mine was severely abused by her father. I’m not going to share to gritty details, but it was the worst thing you can do to a person. She realized pretty early on that her father would never be able to have a normal father/daughter relationship with her and she distanced herself from abuse. It was the only healthy decision she could make.
I’m sorry – I don’t know why I end up playing Devil’s Advocate on people’s blogs. I’m a Libra — I feel the need to balance, I guess
r.l.david02 – TKD Happiness’s last blog post..Why can’t I gain belt rank? (part 2)
Dave,
ROFLOL!
RLD,
I’ve had a few friendships with people in your friend’s life situation. I certainly agree that there are times when mending fences is wrong and perpetuates the problem.
Don’t break bread with those folks, blood or no. But for those you can and should share a meal with, don’t ruin the digestion with petty stuff, eh?
I don’t think you’re being Devil’s Advocate, just broadening the discussion. It’s a good point.
Until later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..How You Can Be Remarkable: Write Your Own Story
I’ll go along with Dave. Some grudges are worth keeping.
Like the psycho ex-girfriend I had, once. I broke up, but she kept trying to email me and it was getting creepy.
I moved. A year later, she tracked down where I lived, and phoned me long distance. We had an civilzed chat…but afterwards, I felt awful and messed up for a week. She had still played head games with me.
Fast forward 2 years later. She called me AGAIN.
This time, I did the right thing. I instantly hung up and left the house.
That kind of “friend”, I don’t need.
But then again, if I was a Viking, I’d have perhaps handled it (er…) “differently”
Friar’s last blog post..The Magic Time
Erm, Friar….did you just call me “Dave”? Heh heh….
r.l.david02 – TKD Happiness’s last blog post..Why can’t I gain belt rank? (part 2)
@r.l.david02
Like Friar said, that call messed him up!
j/k
Dave Navarro’s last blog post..Fighting Work-Life Balance Stress: Attack Of The 50-Ft. Goals
@r.l. david02 and dave.
Oops.
Sor-REE.
(Yeah, I’m messed up).
You know, someone should give me a GOOD TALKING TO.
Friar’s last blog post..The Magic Time
@Friar and Dave –
LOL!
RLD – TKD Happiness’s last blog post..Why can’t I gain belt rank? (part 2)
@Dave,
Depends how you cook ‘em, I guess. I like mine charcoal grilled, with a good ale.
@TKD Happiness,
Thank you very much – but I also hear you. I’m a Libra too, BTW – and feel free to play D.A., because it is true. Actually, from the Havamal:
“Be your friend’s
true friend.
Return gift for gift.
Repay laughter
with laughter again
but betrayal with treachery.”
@Kelly,
Right on – sometimes you have to walk away.
@Friar,
Ditto. And, you need a beer or something
plus a good talking to, someone should raise an ImpAct against you, or something. Unacceptable.
@All,
Good discussion – and I agree. You can’t always make amends.
Some folks just don’t deserve the time and attention. You could forgive them, but walking away is sometimes the best way.
Know when to hold them…know when to fold them….
Isn’t that a song? Also important advice here. Breaking bread is sacred stuff around our house. No negative conversations allowed. Pletty of other time for that crap. Dinner times are for family, friendship, laughter, love and good memories. Jerks need not apply.
Friar?? You need a talking to? Do I need to come over there???
Wendi Kelly’s last blog post..What is a Warrior
Wendi
Yeah, I have attitude issues.
If I were a kid, I’d smack myself and give myself a TIME OUT.
Yes, you should probably come over and set me straight.
Friar’s last blog post..The Magic Time
@Wendi,
That’s something we’re trying to teach our children (and strangely enough, they ate most of that loaf of bread tonight with dinner!)
I think you’d better send Friar to his room.
@Friar,
You’d better be careful – Wendi doesn’t live *that* far away from us
I never eat with my family! They all make fun of my eating habits and are convinced I only eat lettuce! Just for the record I do like lots of other things.
Joking aside, your point is well taken. Family meals are a time for laughter (just not at me!) and celebration. Breaking bread together is an eternal symbol of bonding. Petty disagreements can spiral out of control and life IS too short. In the end, it never really matters anyway. When my husband died, I watched many of his family members be torn apart by guilt and sadly there was little comfort I could offer. Words were left unsaid and deeds undone and it really was too late. Thanks for the Friday viking wisdom my kilted wonder friend. Niebu!
Karen,
Eating time at our house is always a strange and wonderful thing… food everywhere… I’ll tell you, I miss our black lab, Daisy (she used to be the clean-up machine – now we have to sweep!)
You are exactly right. In the end, it never really matters. Not only for arguments, but for many other things as well. I know so many people who put working for others before family. When you’re gone, no one at work will say, “remember Joe, he was such a hard worker”.
Thanks for stopping in, Wonder Woman – Brett
It’s not my friends that worry me as I never had an argument with any of them while sharing a meal, quite the opposite actually (we always end up laughing and joking around). But the family is a whole other topic.
I’m pretty much true with parts of them and no batching will ever heal the drift that has eventuated from their behavior. One can only take so much before cutting the ties.
Anyway, I have moved on from this and honestly it doesn’t bother me at all anymore. I haven’t got the time to feel miserable about people who use and abuse me.
Monika Mundell’s last blog post..Freelance Writing Behind The Scenes
Monika,
I know. And you are wise to not waste time, as many others would agree. I am sure you made a supreme effort, but sometimes it just isn’t meant to be. Life’s too short. You have your life, and things you want to do – and you’re doing them.
In the end, we have to look after ourselves – our happiness.
I’ll try to catch up with you this weekend via Skype, if you’re around – been a while since we’ve chatted, my friend.
@ Brett: Thanks a lot, what you said means a lot to me and yes, I did put in a lot of effort. Never mind, life does go on. Have you got time now to chat or is it too late where you are?
Monika Mundell’s last blog post..Freelance Writing Behind The Scenes
Funny how lots people have commented that family dinners aren’t always ideal.
There’s some truth to this…Family dinners with siblings and parents can be great…but they can also be ordeals.
In my case, during the last few years, my two screaming nephews have hi-jacked family dinners.
These free-range hippie-children scream at the table. Or run around the table. Or scream while they’re running around the table. Nobody else can have a conversation.
Their Mommy and Daddy do nothing to stop it (and we get dirty looks if we try to say anything).
So now my memories of Easter, Christmas, birthdays, etc. are all about screaming and noise.
I think some RItalin is in order for these rampaging house-apes.
Maybe I should just throw them a loaf of Viking Bread to shut them up. (Brett’s kids seem to like it)
Friar’s last blog post..The Magic Time
[...] In this post, Brett Legree mentions the importance of patching things up with a family member. But, RL David points out that if that family member is abusive, it’s not always a smart idea to attempt to patch things up. [...]
Great Post Brett!
Definitely made me think about how I have, am and will handle my relationships. I have a few that are falling apart, a few that fell apart and some I can’t bear to let fall apart! I wish it was easier to do though!
Jenny’s last blog post..Unintentionally Hurt
Jenny,
Thank you very much
it was a great experience for me, to write this and then interact with all of you via the comments.
I have an old friend from high school I have not seen in almost 5 years. And you know what?
It is my fault. MY fault. I let that friendship go, for various reasons, none of which should have mattered. Sadly, there wasn’t even a falling out to “blame”.
But now I know how to contact him, so I will do that tonight. It may not be easy to say, “hello, how are you, and I’m sorry I’ve not been a good friend” – but I must.
But on the flip side, did your friend do anything to keep in contact with you? Friendship is a two-way street and in order to keep it alive you both need to work at it, if he doesn’t, then what kind of relationship is it?
I’ve had those where I’ve been running back and forth to meet friends and they do barely any work at all, It’s not easy and definitely not fun, but for some reason we keep doing it!
Good luck with your friend.
Jenny’s last blog post..Unintentionally Hurt
@Jenny and Brett
I’ve had some friendship I’ve let slip by. Like you said, no big falling out or anything. I just get tired of always being the one trying.
I realize the effort isn’t always going to be 50-50. Or even 70-30. But when it starts to become 90-10 my part, then I start re-evaluating why we’re friends in the first place. If they dont’ make any effort at all anymore, I just let it go.
Friendship is like a garden. Some plants you have to weed out. Others you just let die. But the good thing is that you will always something new growing.
(oooh…that’s TOO DEEP and serious!). I’ve done philosphizing for the day!
Friar’s last blog post..Friar’s Random Rants
Uh oh, Friar is philosophising! Definitely interesting!
Have to agree with you there Friar! You make valid points, what else sucks is when you put in 90-10 and the 10 is spent on using you!!
Jenny’s last blog post..Unintentionally Hurt
@Jenny,
I agree with what you’re saying – sadly, I’d say that the blame rests almost entirely on me, so the onus is on me to give him a call. We’ll see how it goes
@Friar,
But aren’t you the DEEP Friar?
@Jenny
What I like is if you just do nothing, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.
I have siblings that will let weeks (or months) go by, without ever phoning me or emailing me. It’s always me that’s supposed to initiate contact.
But if I (God Forbid) happen to let a few weeks go by, when they havent’ heard from me, they’ll ask my Mom: “Is Friar mad at us or something?”
Sigh. You just can’t win.
Friar’s last blog post..Friar’s Random Rants
Friar,
Please tell me your family knows your real name.
Kelly’s last blog post..Summer Is a Great Time to… Smile for the Birdie
@Kelly
Oh, yeah, they know my name.
(But you should see how I’m getting scolded by my Mom…she reads my Blog and she claims that I’ve already revealed too much about myself!) People could track me down and I’ll get in trouble..etc. etc…
Brett dosen’t help (being so candid, and all).
Oh well, I assumed I’m not gonna get Dooced. (If I was, they’d have done it by now!)
Friar’s last blog post..Friar’s Random Rants
Friar,
You both say “the man” don’t care in Widgetville, so I think you’re fine. But when Claire catches up with you, uh-oh…
Brett,
I HAD to come here and go totally off topic: search term that brought some poor fellow to MCE today (drum roll)…
“wiggling eyebrows emoticon”
Famous, we are. Me for wishing (hence I get the incredible surge of search traffic), and you for designing. Yeah, baby.
^^
. .
^
o
Later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Summer Is a Great Time to… Smile for the Birdie
Sometimes you wanna go, where everybody knows Friar’s (real) name…
Kelly – that is so very cool. Deserving of a
^ ^
. .
^
o
for sure!
Yes Friar, watch for Ms. Chaffington…
Brett,
I have tried to wrangle a name out of him, but he seems to think I know Claire.
I’m not denying it, mind you…
… and his mother’s right. All seven people who live in your town might stalk him if his true face or name were ever shown.
He he he.
Kelly’s last blog post..Summer Is a Great Time to… Smile for the Birdie
@Kelly
I haven’t heard from Claire, but I recently heard from a psycho ex-girl friend (who tried to phone me a couple of weeks ago).
I hadn’t spoken to her in years. And last time I did, I made it clear that I wouldn’t exchange email address or correspond with her.
Needless to say, I hung up.
But this incident has just confirmed my theory on how I attracts women:
DON”T BE INTERESTED IN THEM!
Friar’s last blog post..Another Typical Week Here…
I’m always careful to keep meals happy occasions because food and anger equals heartburn and who wants to ruin a good meal with heartburn?
Alex Fayle’s last blog post..Pause and Reflect
Oh dear, if arguing weren’t allowed at the dinner table, my family wouldn’t talk at all. Okay, that’s an exaggeration but my family can be a little debate happy. It’s never about personal stuff so no hard or hurt feelings. All good fun
I don’t like it when people argue for real though. I pitch my tent at the no drama camp.
Melissa Donovan’s last blog post..When it All Comes Crashing Down
@Alex,
Agreed – much better to have a nice, wholesome meal and enjoy good chat afterward.
@Melissa,
LOL debating can be healthy and fun, and it sounds like your family has it figured out.