george a. romero, inc.
September 6, 2008
It was a dull grey Friday morning.
The man walked slowly back to his car. He had forgotten his ID lanyard, which all Factory employees were required to wear. The lanyard also included various pieces of Factory propaganda – mission statements, mottos, safety tips. Helpful stuff. Like how to walk on ice.
And the keys to his office. There had to be a practical reason for wearing it, after all. The man prided himself on being an “island of practical” in a “sea of ignorance”.
With lanyard in hand, the man turned and surveyed the Factory site before him. He marveled at how it looked like something from the 50’s – shades of grey, under a grey sky – only the distant trees provided a splash of colour.
Of course it looked like something from the 50’s – it was something from the 50’s…
The man sighed, and began the long walk to his office. At least it was literally all downhill from the parking lot.
A warm feeling came over the man, and he felt faint. He blinked, opened his eyes, shook his head, blinked again.
“Whoa.” (I know kung fu.)
Now even the trees seemed grey. And the birds had stopped singing.
The man thought, “Too much beer at Friar’s last night.” He pulled a long drink out of his coffee mug. A little piece of home, untainted by the Factory.
“Strange”, he thought, as he approached his office building. “Everyone seems to be walking in circles more than usual today. It must have been a good time at the prefab pub last night.”
They also seemed to be muttering something. The man could barely hear it, but it sounded like “Train… train…….. train…”
“Well, hockey school is starting up soon”, he thought. Nearly everyone at the Factory played hockey. Many held on to a dream that their kids could actually escape the Factory’s clutches that way.
But no NHL scouts had been seen in the area for years… fools! Doomed to work at the Factory, forever! The man, however, had other ideas…
The man passed through the double doors, turned right and went down the stairs to his office. He tried not to laugh at the sign above the stairs.
“Locked. My co-worker must be sick today”, he mused. As he keyed open the door, he noticed a congregation of faithful Factory workers down by the coffee room.
“Train… train……. train…”
As the man didn’t care to hear about hockey school, he pushed his door shut, not bothering to take off the automatic lock.
This small action probably saved the man’s life.
As the man’s computer woke from hibernation, the telephone broke the monotony.
“You’ll never believe what’s going on over here!”, the man’s wife said. “It’s like everyone’s lost their *brains* today…”
Brains. Now it all made sense.
The man dropped the phone, and grabbed the fire Viking axe from outside his door.
“Brains… brains…….. brains…” said the faithful, as they moved towards the man’s office.
The man slammed the door and picked up the phone, as his wife continued.
“They’re making me resubmit 71 documents because *the template* has been updated! Never mind that the content is correct, it’s more important that *the template* is the correct one!!! Doesn’t anyone have any *brains* around here?”
The man said, “No. Something’s happened here today – have you had any coffee?”
“No, other than the coffee we brought in with us today. Why?”
The man continued, “Good. Don’t drink anything – they’ve put something in the water, to turn us all into zombies.”
For as everyone knows, zombies make perfect corporate slaves for companies like the Factory. Zombies do not question useless, counterproductive procedures and processes. And zombies have no use for their brains…
“Lock your door, lock your windows, and stay put – I’m coming to get you.”
The Factory zombies were by now clawing at the door…
The man threw his chair through the window, and with Viking axe in hand, proceeded out into the unknown.
“I’ve got a lot of heads to chop, and this axe is hungry…”
—
Will our heroes escape the clutches of the Factory? Tune in next time!
Until then – don’t be a zombie. Use your brains. Before it’s too late…
LOL!!! This is EXCELLENT!! I laughed aloud at the Whoa part. The whole thing is funny. Well done! I’m excited to hear what happens to the man with the Viking axe.
I love that you’re posting on Saturday again. I enjoy reading your stuff, Brett. I look forward to a day when I can do it more often. Good times, lots of laughs, and tons of people fulfilling their dreams here!
Go VIKINGS!
steph’s last blog post..Letting Go
@Brett
The Viking axe would also prove useful to fend off nasty critter, too!
Meddling raccoons, and killer Bahrs, for example.
Friar’s last blog post..Fishing while Striving for Excellence
ROTFL! Love it Brett. I can’t wait to see what hapens next.
Nicole’s last blog post..Mum & Dad go boating
Brett,
LOL! The template—how terrible. Life is stranger than fiction sometimes, isn’t it?
Must go use brains while I still can. How far can zombies travel in a
daynight?(Geek that I am, of course I had to do a search for Romero. Very funny!)
Happy away-from-factory-day!
Regards,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Tip of the Week: The Swag Rules
Ooh, my day strikethrough didn’t show up. That looks goofy.
Kelly’s last blog post..Tip of the Week: The Swag Rules
@steph,
Thank you – I’m glad you got a kick out of it… I thought I’d try something a little off the wall today with a touch of my twisted sense of humour… I really did think one day how great the site would be for a zombie movie.
I’m glad you’re here, too, Steph – folks like you make this worth it.
@Friar,
That’s right! Raccoons, bahrs, cluster flies, crickets… ooooh, you’d better believe that’s an ImpAct.
@Nicole,
Glad you liked it! Me too… I can’t wait to see how the story plays out. I have a feeling that axe will need sharpening…
@Kelly,
I think you’ll be safe for now – as far as I know, zombies can’t swim (arms & legs don’t move fast enough, and they sink). Though, they might be able to walk underwater. I’ll have to check…
Kelly,
There – fixed the strike through for you!
Hi Brett – excellent. I’ve worked places like that. Sometimes I feel as though they stole part of my brain and didn’t give it back.
cathlawson’s last blog post..Viral Books And Other Things I Like
Hi Cath,
Thanks! I hear you… I think there’s a space in my head big enough to store my lunch, thanks to the brain eating work zombies…
@Brett
There’s a novel in all of this, somewhere.
Friar’s last blog post..Fishing while Striving for Excellence
Brett,
I’m with Friar. This could be a cult Classic screenplay/movie or a really funny novel . Heeheee SO SO many people can relate to this!
Happy weekend!
Wendi Kelly’s last blog post..Giving Back to the Givers
@Friar & Wendi,
Hey, thanks! Maybe this could be my Saturday thing for a while… at least until the heroes escape the Factory’s clutches…
@Brett
I can just picture a Stephen-King type of twist to the story.
Like, maybe in the central building (where you need the SPECIAL lanyard-access card to get in), there’s a sub-sub basement, and a giant bloated spider-like creature with a manager’s human head is lies in a slimy web of deceit and ineptitude.
With lobotomized minions running too and fro, bringing him the latest procedures and templates to approve of and update, with the manager-Spider signs with it’s hairy black legs.
(Shudder). Oh, man. That hits TOO close to home!
Friar’s last blog post..Fishing while Striving for Excellence
@Friar,
Sadly, that isn’t too far from the truth… sounds a bit like… oh, I’d better not
quite strange. personally, i think the guy should play lacrosse rather than hockey. Lacrosse players are a different breed.
sean’s last blog post..Student Assassinated at Graduation Ceremony
@sean,
Agreed – in fact, I like lacrosse (hence, the man in the story probably does…) – it’s sort of in my blood (I have some Native American in my history if I go back enough generations)
Thanks for stopping in to say hello – I like your blog – carbon neutral is a pretty cool thing…
Brett,
For a minute I thought I was on the wrong blog – and FINALLY I saw VIKING. Whew. What a narrative! What comes next? Most important, will it come tomorrow, or are you going to leave us hanging here?
Well done!
Rita
Rita’s last blog post..Sunday Shout-Out
Brett
Wow! That story is spooky. Especially since I work at the same “factory”.
And my new job has lots of templates to “work” with and template creators that seem to have strange agendas. I’ve already had a discussion with one such creator. So, what is next in your story? QAS to the rescue? Odd, I cant find the fire, er, viking axe in my building.
PS
I always avoid the coffee.
@Rita,
Hee hee, I guess I wanted to do something off the wall and it worked
I’m glad you stayed with it to check it out though, and thanks! I am thinking that the narrative will be my Saturday thing – I’ve got Viking Fridays, why not Zombie Saturdays? That should give me, err, the man, time to write the next installment of the story…
@Ed,
It sure does sound spooky, doesn’t it… no doubt one of the follow-on episodes will feature some of the great people who do work there who have not been “zombiefied” – hey, there’s a few holdouts still, and the man knows many of them
Yes, continue to avoid the coffee at all costs… it tastes really bad, and we’d hate to lose you and your brain!
Brett,
Yes. Please convey to “the man” that it is necessary for him to do a “Saturday Release” in order to kill the Zombies!
Rita
Rita’s last blog post..Sunday Shout-Out
Rita,
Oh, I most certainly will tell the man. I’m having a cup of tea with him right now
Brett,
We’re both too young to remember (ah, something I’m too young for), but I’ve heard Saturday afternoons are good for matinees of weekly serials… can you work it into the 6 Weeks theme?
Kelly’s last blog post..Tip of the Week: The Swag Rules
Kelly,
YES! Something we’re too young for…
^ ^
. .
^
o
But seriously, I’ve been kicking around an idea that fits right into the 6 weeks theme, sort of, to stretch my fiction writing a bit – and it might work as a weekly serial. Something with more legs than “Escape from the Factory”.
I mean, once the heroes escape from the Factory, then what?
But Tyler and the Narrator – now that could go for a while!
Excellent! I’d far prefer a 6 Weeks serial. Departures are cool, but the visuals alone on this one will give me nightmares in a hurry! Plus I’ve always liked your main theme here. “6 Weeks” as a concept is such a great kick in the pants.
Kelly’s last blog post..Tip of the Week: The Swag Rules
Maybe I’ll give it a shot then! Besides, I don’t want to scare away anyone with brain-eating zombies…
Thanks for the reminder Brett! Sometimes it’s easy to go along with the humdrum way things go everyday at work. It is very easy to forget to use something! I think this week I will try to use my brain more than I usually do and see how much I can accomplish!
Wish me luck!
Jenny’s last blog post..Laughter is the Best Medicine
@Jenny,
It is very easy just to go along with it – I’ve sadly done that for too many years here. But I’m working to change it, with trusty Viking axe in hand…
And – good luck! But you’ll do it, regardless…
Brett, this is a great story! I had thought of writing short stories on my blog too, and I am greatly encouraged by your talent! I was glued to the page. I can’t wait to see what happens. Does the man get out? Do the zombies break in before he makes it and he is forced to do battle? Has the entire town been forced to drink the kool-aid or just the factory? Anxiously anticipating next installment and just in case, standing by with Cape.
Karen,
Thank you! I can’t wait to see what happens either… stay tuned, because Wonder Woman’s services may be required!
Brett of the Dead yells “By the Power of Grayskull!” They are over here too, and me without a Viking Axe! When you escape, buddy, get your Viking Hero Butt over here and rescue me!
Urban Panther’s last blog post..To poo or not to poo, that is the question.
Panther,
When I finally make my escape, I’ll make my way over to you with Viking axe in hand as fast as my faithful steed/GTI will carry me!
Thought this one would make you giggle. This was just EMAILED to us at The Factory:
Due to unforeseen circumstances, some ITB clients may experience login problems. The problem has been escalated to the proper group. They are working on the issue and we will broadcast a message upon successful restoration of service.
I am the only one seeing a problem here?
Urban Panther’s last blog post..Full blown change meltdown
Bwah ha ha ha ha. I love factory stories!
Kelly’s last blog post..“Brand” Riff: Expectations
@Urban Panther
(…are you SURE you don’t work where I do?)
Because when we had a power failure, they emailed us to stay at our office, and continue to keep working until told otherwise.
Friar’s last blog post..How to be a Tortured Intellectual
Hey Tyler,
When is the next fight? I wanna watch. Maybe I’ll even join in. Are girls allowed?
steph’s last blog post..Making a List and Checking it Twice
@Panther,
Now that is just too funny – your Factory does sound like our Factory… when you join the Factory here, they email you your login name and password. Which you need to login to read the email, of course.
@Kelly,
Oh, we could write a book about it, I’m sure. Tales from the Factory. The mascot could be the radioactive cousin of the Crypt Keeper…
@steph,
We can’t really talk about “when”, first rule and all, but it’s at Lou’s in the basement as usual. And of course you’re allowed, in fact, you’re pretty scrappy and I have a feeling we’d be in trouble…
@Brett @Kelly @Friar – it gets better, apparently if you still can’t login, here is the follow up EMAILED message:
Login problems experienced this morning have been stabilized.
If you are still experiencing difficulties it may be necessary for you to shut down all applications and reboot your computer.
I think we should co-host a blogsite dedicated to Factory Farces. You in?
Urban Panther’s last blog post..Full blown change meltdown
@Panther,
I’m in. I’ll register a domain name this afternoon…
@Brett and Panther
This sounds awesome. But SURELY, we wouldn’t be the first ones to come up with this idea? (Or maybe there are blogs out there, but not as good as anything we’d come up with).
It can be like a Dilbert cartoon (except a blog)
On a related note, we’ve just been reminded of how to avoid slips and falls (especially during the winter months).
Reminding us to use railings, and look ahead, where we walk, and to tap the snow off our boots when coming into buildings.
Umm….look outside. HOW MUCH snow is there right now?
(But never mind…you can never “inform” people enough). This is the 12th (or 13th) time we’ve been reminded, since November last year.
What next? Are they going to make us wear idiot-mitts? (attached by a string?)
Friar’s last blog post..How to be a Tortured Intellectual
@Brett – since I’m not allowed to comment on the Urbane Lion’s site (nor he on mine), I’ll slip in a comment here. That would be Dude-ess, you have a Dell! My Dell, Brett. My Dell.
Urban Panther’s last blog post..Full blown change meltdown
@Friar,
Don’t forget the visual hand washing instruction guides in the washrooms. Just in case any preschoolers work at the Factory.
@Panther,
Apologies to the Dude-ess
Yea verily I shall go forth and maketh amends…
@Brett
I’m just waiting for the one telling us how to wipe our arses.
Yesterday, I saw another earlier notice, on a bulletin board.
It was safety tips on how to go to a water-slide theme park (Something we do ALL the time at Splat Creek).
Go down the slide, one at a time. Listen to the operator’s instructions. Don’t push, play safelty, etc…
DUH.
Zombies are everywhere.
Friar’s last blog post..How to be a Tortured Intellectual
Man, I love all your ‘Tales from the Factory’! You should *so* start up another site.
@ Brett – fun stuff! Very ‘Shaun of the Dead’. Looking forward to the next installment.
Karen JL’s last blog post..Are Your Cuts Making the Cut?
@Friar,
Zombies are everywhere indeed. And worse… (stay tuned for the follow up story)
@Karen JL,
I admit, it is tempting… I’d have to be running adverts on it for financial support though, in case I got dooced!!!
And thank you – I’ve been forging it in my twisted brain while at work… ah, the Factory, such inspiration!
Crap, of course. How could I forget about the first rule?!
PS. Not many know this, and they are agape when I tell them, but I’ve actually had a real physical fight before. I fought a gangsta girl in our dorm, on the day we both turned 22. We were pulled apart before either of us did anything worse than rip out the other’s earring, yank out hair, and punch the living shit out of the other’s stomach. I say we both won.
It’s a shameful moment for me.
steph’s last blog post..Making a List and Checking it Twice
Well then, the *second* rule of Fight Club is do not mess with Steph!
(I knew you were scrappy.)
Woo Hoo Steph! I’ve never been in a fight and pretty much avoid conflict at all costs.
But…
I used to train in kickboxing (all guys…I was the only chick) and I’ve always secretly wished that someone would *really* mess with me so I’d have an excuse to beat the living crap out of them…
…is that just so wrong?
Karen JL’s last blog post..Are Your Cuts Making the Cut?
@ Steph,
You really ARE awesome. My blog tomorrow is about Friar, Brett and Writer Dad, all together. You just got yourself blogged!
Rita
Rita’s last blog post..Tuesday Tempest
@Karen JL,
Luckily it’s been a while since I’ve been in a situation that involved more than words, and probably because I’ve seen more than my share of fights where at least one of the involved actually knew how to fight (I live near an army base, and those guys know how to fight – so you don’t want to do that, it’s messy). It sure doesn’t work like in the movies and unless you’re willing to play “for keeps” it’s probably best to get away…
But martial arts is a different story, and can be a lot of fun. Rules make all the difference!
@Rita,
Really? Wow – that sounds like it will be very cool. I can’t wait to see what you have in store.
(And yes, I’m working on the follow up to this post right now – the way I see it, there will be two more parts.)
Brett,
Truly, honestly and really. BUT it’s going up on Saturday morning. AND it’s almost 2/3 done. And it’s funny – AND NOT INSULTING. AND it’s the God’s honest truth.
Unfortunately, I have to blog something different for tomorrow, per: my editor, believe it or not! She and I were on the phone for hours today, and she called me tonight and asked me to do something for the rest of the work-week. Which means that you guys are gonna have a friggin audience when your names are in the title – and they are!
And — I’m gonna try to HELP GET you published, man. Follow the plan – and on the weekend, the four of you get the time of your lives! Just follow the plan…and trust me. I don’t know Steph all that well, but it doesn’t matter – first of all, she works in the industry. Second of all, she deserves this – all 4 of you do. JUST FOLLOW THE PLAN! FOLLOW THE PLAN! AND STICK WITH THE PLAN, DAMMIT! Promise you, NO deception. Follow along for the next 3 days – you can comment or not tomorrow. BUT, YOU MUST COMMENT ON THURSDAY. Just wait and see. A large publishing house will be watching for the rest of the week – and you’ll find out why TOMORROW!
HIYATAHO,
Rita
Rita’s last blog post..Tuesday Tempest
Karen JL: Nah, I wouldn’t say that was so wrong. I took martial arts for a short while, and I was at the top of my class. That was AFTER the incident, and I haven’t used it ever. Thankfully. To tell you the truth, conflict makes me feel kind of sick! It’s just that adrenaline that kicks in and makes you crazy.
@ Rita: I’m quite excited to see where this is going!
steph’s last blog post..Finding Your Voice – And Sticking with It
@ Brett – don’t worry…I’m all talk (and was kidding).
I shan’t be kicking anyone’s ass…unless my life was at stake.
Karen JL’s last blog post..Are Your Cuts Making the Cut?
@Rita,
Truly, honestly and really, it will be up on Saturday morning, funny, not insulting, and the God’s honest truth.
This all sounds very interesting! – will follow the plan for sure. I’m very excited to see where this will lead, and I agree, it sounds like we’re going to have a helluva good time…
Thank you in advance – really, thank you very much for this.
@steph,
Follow the plan
@Karen JL,
Hey, that’s the only time to do it (in a real, physical sense) – you kick ass all the time
You had me nailed to the chair the whole time. I was seeing those zombies in my mental eye and the pic your used freaked me out even more. Whoa my bad. You would need some kung fu sh*t to get rid of those nasties.
Zombies in the factory, now that is scary, especially with the powers they have at hand. Give me aliens any day. LOL.
Monika Mundell’s last blog post..Cash Flow – Are You Aware Of Business Costs?
Brett,
I a NOT kidding. Just follow the plan. I gotta finish today’s blog…follow along: NO INSULTS – just wait…
Rita
Rita’s last blog post..Tuesday Tempest
[...] has scared the sh*t out of me with his gruesome zombie post George A. Romero, Inc. Be warned, it might become bloody. [...]
Rita and Brett: Okay, seriously. What the hell are you talking about? I’m lost!!
steph’s last blog post..Finding Your Voice – And Sticking with It
Rita,
Oh, I know you’re not kidding. I shall follow the plan.
Steph,
Just follow the plan
@steph
I’m lost too.
What plan? What are we supposed to do, exactly, ?
ALL I KNOW THAT I”VE BEEN TOLD TO FOLLOW IT IN BIG BIG LETTERS!
(Guess we’ll have to wait till tomorrow to find out)
Friar’s last blog post..More Travels with the Bear in Northern Ontario
(PS – Rita, just to elaborate, I was a bit dense this morning, needing my coffee, and it took a minute to sink in for me to realize you were speaking of *your* post being up on Saturday…
as I planned on having my next zombie post up then, I mistakenly responded that mine would truly, honestly etc. be up Saturday – then upon re-reading what you wrote again – post coffee – I “got it”.
And hence, that’s why I know you’re serious. Nevertheless, I shall stick to the plan.)
[...] more tales of zombie horror at the Factory… Share and Enjoy: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers [...]
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080912.wbruce12/BNStory/Entertainment/home
How apropos….
Francis,
That is just too darned cool…
[...] they were slow, the undead legions would close in on him were he foolish enough to stay [...]
[...] Tune in next week, for another horrific zombie tale… assuming your intrepid writer doesn’t drink the Folgers… [...]