they live.
September 27, 2008
The man set the dial to 138.225 MHz, one of the federal emergency frequencies, and keyed the microphone.
“Hello – this is the Factory calling, we’ve been taken over by a hostile cybernetic organism and we need assistance.”
Silence from the other end. An open circuit, with no one there to close it.
“What the frak is going on?” said the man.
“How could this have spread so quickly from the Factory to the outside?”
The lovely lass smiled, and said, “But you know, dear, and you’re always the first one to say it, the Factory is always *the last* place on earth to get anything… so perhaps it didn’t come from inside here.”
“Brilliant, as usual, my dear.”
*BANG*
“What the frak was that?” they both said.
*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
The pounding sound was coming from the door to the outside world, opposite the door from the tunnel.
“Zombies do *not* knock – it has to be someone else with a brain!” said the man, excitedly.
Quickly working the controls to the video screen, he maximized the feed from the camera just outside the stairway to the world above.
A familiar shape took form on the display – a stout, friendly man with a beard, wearing sunglasses, carrying a very large and bloodied chainsaw, and a shotgun.
“Sunglasses? That’s strange, Schmiar never wears sunglasses…”
Viking axe on standby, the man opened the door.
Schmiar literally exploded into the room, and slammed the door shut behind him.
“Schmiar! What are you doing here?”
The crazy fisherman said, “Stupid meeting brought me to the site, but no time for that, put on these sunglasses and tune that baby to CNN!”
Though he was puzzled, the man trusted his friend, for they had shared many pints by the bonfire.
Shades in place, he brought CNN onto the telescreen…
“Wha?!?!?!?!? By the gods, what is that?”
Laughing maniacally, Schmiar replied, “That would be feed from the Presidential Debate… as we always suspected, these guys are not human… and it gets worse, change the channel and see what’s on the other stations…”
A quick click of the left mouse button brought up a live feed from CBC - the pride of Canada. Blame Canada.
The advertisement showed a cityscape, and with the glasses on, a grey distopia full of subliminal messages, just as you see above, faithful reader – yet, glasses off, the image was of happy people going about their business on a beautiful summer day.
“How the hell are they doing this?” the man asked in dismay.
Schmiar’s brow furrowed as he said, “Nearest I can figure, they’ve been doing this for some time, putting up all this subliminal stuff as they infiltrate our society. They’ve been covering it up with some kind of wacko radio transmissions, until they were able to poison our coffee supply. Whatever’s in the coffee does nothing unless you’re being bathed by these radio signals.”
(Schmiar, you see, had a Ph.D. and spent a lot of time thinking about these kinds of things.)
“And here’s the best part – remember the SUMAC project that was just cancelled? You always said they had other plans for it, and you were right. Well, that’s where the radio signals originate, as far as I can tell… it must beam up to orbit from that antenna array on the roof of the building. Because we always get everything last, the government decided to run this from here, as no one would suspect it!”
The man scratched his chin…
“I know who’s orchestrating the whole thing, Schmiar. It’s the Demon Queen, and she’s running the whole op out of The Cell.”
The lady, who had until this moment been silent, said “Well then boys, we’ve got to get to the roof of the SUMAC and destroy that array – I’ll take that shotgun, Schmiar. We’ll need it, as there’s no tunnel from here to the SUMAC. Once they don’t have the cover of the radio signals, we can go after the Demon Queen.”
The man said, “Alrighty then – today’s a fine day to die – on three?”
Schmiar smiled as he put his hand on the door, and said “Three.”
–
Yes, I know I said last week that today would be the conclusion, but this is just too much fun… stay tuned for more tales of alien cyberzombie politicians from Planet X…
(Pictures from They Live, 1988, Alive Films)
Great characters. Ph.D fishermen, Demon Queens, Vikings, Zombies and Presidential Candidates.
Tying all that together is some task. I eagerly await more. Keep it coming.
Sean.
sean’s last blog post..The Best “You Have Mail” Tone. Ever.
THIS ROCKS!! This is the best episode yet. I love it!!
SCHMIAR!! Bahahahahahaha!! I totally laughed out loud and scared the dog with that one!
I’m really enjoying these. Keep them coming!
(Look at all my exclamation points!)
steph’s last blog post..Magic in the Air
Friar, Schmiar…let’s call the whole thing off.
I too, laughed out loud at that one!
Karen JL’s last blog post..Where ‘Igor’ Went Wrong
AHAHAHAHAHAHAH…..!!!!
Brother, you know, when I read something funny on a blog, I might smile, I might giggle, but I rarely laugh out loud.
But this time, I did!
HAHAHAH!
Oh, THANK GOD for the Schmiar…!!! ;-D
And the SUMAC Project.
Oh, that’s PRICELESS..!!!
(HAHHAHAHAH!)
(Wonder what SUMAC could stand for?)
Senseless Underground Mind-Altering Complex.
Friar’s last blog post..Guest Blogger: Friar’s Mom
@sean,
Thank you – I’ll have to keep it all straight in my head so I don’t get lost… (I have to keep the other episodes open while I’m writing the new ones)
@steph,
I’ll have to send a care package of biscuits for Lucy as penance (sorry, puppy!) – I couldn’t resist adding Schmiar to the story – a big thank you to Amy for that one
@Karen JL,
Looks like I should be adding Amy as a contributor – and now you’ve got me laughing because I’ve got “Friar, Schmiar” running through my head to the Tomayto Tomahto song…
@Friar/Schmiar,
Your acronym is probably closer to the truth than anyone else knows, and if I’ve got you laughing, then that is truly a good thing… because you’re the master
I join the laughing choir. When Schmiar came through the door…a superhero was born.
Wendi Kelly’s last blog post..Cleaning Closets
@Wendi,
Glad you liked it – I couldn’t resist…
(@Friar – your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to draw a cartoon of Schmiar, The Man, and The Lovely Lass for next weekend’s episode – in Viking garb, of course… so Schmiar with the chainsaw, The Man with the axe, and The Lass has the shotty…)
@Brett
Ohh….Shit.
You HAD to do it, didn’t you?
You HAD to put the idea in my head…!!
(I can already see the cartoon now!!)
Friar’s last blog post..Guest Blogger: Friar’s Mom
Friar,
I couldn’t resist… it’s like when my kids saw a dead fish on the beach, and within a minute, they were all standing around it poking it with sticks… I can’t resist poking you with a stick.
Note that I’m not implying you’re like a dead fish or anything
Brett,
This is great. Gory, but if the group prevails over evil in the end, it will all be worth it. Schmiar, the hearty bearded PhD hero, is great.
“… as we always suspected, these guys are not human…” —priceless.
With bated breath and shades in place, I await the next installment. I can tell you’re having a lot of fun with this.
Regards,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Tip of the Week: Can You Do It, When It’s Been Done?
Woohoo! I can’t wait to see this cartoon of Schmiar’s!
Man, this is fun.
steph’s last blog post..Magic in the Air
@Kelly,
Glad you like it (and good thing I’ve pulled all the gore punches, I’d scare everyone away!) – I have a feeling Schmiar will make an appearance sooner than we think!
@steph,
It sure is fun – I don’t want to put it to bed, but I’ve got that other project up my sleeve I was telling you about… and that one has legs, I think
But I thought my Factory was the last place that got anything? Or is that just software updates?
Urban Panther’s last blog post..You may mock me if you wish
ROFL! I knew it was Schmiar before I got to the name! Yay, Schmiar! I so love this story and good twist with the election. This is way too much fun to end, keep it going, keep it going!
@Panther,
I think your Factory is the “One Factory to rule them all” where we live, in a manner of speaking – so maybe you do get everything last… you guys still use COBOL, right? (it’s okay, I know COBOL, don’t worry…)
@Karen Swim,
Well, I wouldn’t want to disappoint the folks out here, so maybe I’ll keep it going a little while longer
maybe Schmiar will end up having too much fun!
And the word of the day is… FRAK
““Zombies do *not* knock – it has to be someone else with a brain!” said the man, excitedly.” This is my favorite line… can I use this?
Jamie Simmerman’s last blog post..Pick the Brain of Harrison McLeod of Men With Pens
@Brett – yup, CICS and COBOL. One Factorty To Rule Them All *chuckle* I suppose, because if my Factory wasn’t raking in the money from the unsuspecting masses, your Factory wouldn’t be funded. Mwha-ha-ha!
Urban Panther’s last blog post..Airport shenanigans
Ha! Is this part of your nano novel? What’s frightening is I can recognize myself in some of these characters. Like Schmiar talking about subliminal stuff.
This is too close to home since we are going to have an election in the US. It’s all too bizarre for me.
Ellen Wilson’s last blog post..Writers’ Block: Concrete or Myth?
@Jamie,
FRAK it is then
and you may certainly use that line! I’m glad that you liked it…
@Panther,
I was going to say something like that, but I didn’t want your Factory hit squad to come looking for me (or worse yet, audit me… err, not that I have anything to hide…)
@Ellen,
I had thought I would do this as part of it, but I have another fiction idea for NaNo that will fit in much better with the overall theme of the blog here. Plus I’ll be writing Cathryn’s story at the same time. I’ll be a busy little bee for sure!
Hopefully we’ll get to see a picture of Schmiar this week
hey, we’re having an election soon too – we Canadians always follow your lead, you see!
Schmiar looks a lot like… Auuggghhhh!!!! Zombies have gotten in my building!
Need viking assistance…………….
Jenny’s last blog post..Don’t Laugh At…
If you can hold out for another day or so, Schmiar will be at your assistance!
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