genetics.

“I was never more certain of how far away I was from my goal than when I was standing right beside it.”

“There’s no gene for fate.”

Just a couple of quotes from a movie I quite like – Gattaca.

The main character ultimately realizes his lifelong dream, even though by all rights he should not have been able to do so, because of his genetic predisposition.  His mind was strong enough to overcome all of the physical obstacles that were in his way.

We are all faced by physical obstacles that prevent us from achieving whatever it is that would most make us happy, yet, the greatest obstacle lies within us, inside of our minds.

Therein also lies our greatest strength.

Accepting that there is a plan for each of us, a path that will lead us to something incredible, will help us to overcome any obstacle.

Work hard, but go with it.  The strength to achieve your wildest dream lies within your mind.

Let it happen.

(Image: Columbia Pictures Corporation)

I’ll be out of the box for 10 days – unplugged, and working towards my dream.

See you on the other side.

small choices.

The small choices often make all the difference.

The day after our daughter Hailey left us, we were faced with a choice.  Cathryn was still carrying Cameron – we had named the children in utero – but the doctors were not be certain that he could be saved, in spite of all that they had already done.

The senior physician sat down with us to discuss the odds of survival, and what we might face even if he did survive – complications and so forth.  He also said to us that if we did not wish to proceed any further with the pregnancy, that we could stop it right then.

He left us alone to talk about how we wanted to proceed, and said he would be back in about an hour.

Cathryn and I talked for perhaps ten minutes.

We had already suffered a great deal of grief, and we did not know what would happen next.  We were unsure that our son would survive, and even if he did, we did not know how things would turn out.

We looked at each other, and decided that it was not up to us to choose the fate of our son.  It was not in our hands.

Cameron was born 14 weeks later, and is perfectly normal today.

Three years later, when we were carrying the triplets that turned out to be Cameron’s siblings, many people asked us if we had considered what is called “selective reduction”.

By terminating two of the pregnancies, we could improve the chances for the remaining child.

We knew that our lives would be forever changed if we were blessed with three more children simultaneously.  It would require a lot of hard work, and things would likely be extremely difficult financially for many years.

My answer to the question has always been to tell the story of Cameron, and how he would not be if we had taken the easy way out.

My answer to the question is to point to our four children, who sit before me as I write these words.

There are some choices that we are meant to make, and then there are other choices that are best left in someone else’s hands.

christmas promise.

We had moved to Brantford in July of 2003 to start anew, to get away from the strangeness of the small town.

I had successfully secured a new job with an engineering firm in Hamilton, and I was traveling for business to the USA almost weekly.  I had a new car, a silver VW Jetta, and we had been seeing a fertility specialist in London.

We always knew we would have at least one more child after Cameron, and the previous pregnancy had been too difficult to arrange remotely.  We would not take the chance again of complications, of loss, and so in the backs of our minds that was always the primary reason for moving.

Cathryn had become pregnant again in October of 2003, and we were ecstatic.  We could not believe that we were once again blessed with triplets.  There was some apprehension though, having lost Cameron’s siblings in 2001, but we had faith that our close proximity to the neonatal unit in Hamilton would carry us through.

The blessing of children was not the only thing that October brought us, however.  My new job, which at first had seemed the opportunity of a lifetime, soon brought terrible uncertainty into our household.

The first blip had actually come in September, with a delayed car allowance payment.  At the time, it did not seem a big deal because we were extremely busy – a good sign – and they corrected the error the following week.

But by mid-October, we began to realize that something was not right with the company.  One missed paycheque turned into two, and we were informed that we would have to carry balances on our credit cards until “a few deals came through”.

When I had joined the company in July, my supervisor and one of the other vice-presidents assured me that although it seemed unusual for us to use our personal credit for business purposes, the company had always made good on their word.  Current and future predictions of business seemed to back this up, so I felt confident in doing it.

Besides, the first three months had given me all the confidence I needed since everything was paid on time and there was no cause for alarm.  We were a small company, with great promise.

Even when one of our largest clients filed for Chapter 11 protection, the president assured us that things would be fine, but that was when the paycheques stopped.

We did have some savings, but having moved our entire household only four months earlier, the levels were not where we would have liked them to be.

October slipped into November and then December, and still no money was forthcoming.  Almost every day I spoke with my supervisor, and with the VP of Finance, but the story was always the same – “the money will start flowing again as soon as we close a few deals”.

Cathryn and I shopped for Cameron’s Christmas gift in mid-December while his grandparents watched him one afternoon.  We had stopped in for a visit, and we left him at their house in Oakville and went to IKEA.

As he did not have a toy train, we decided to buy one of the wooden train sets.  I loved it then and I still do, even though there are only a couple of pieces of it left intact today.

We had decided that we would have a lovely Christmas that year, in spite of the financial stress.

My friend Francis stopped over on Christmas Eve to say hello, but I missed his greeting that night.  Cathryn and I had been talking about how we were going to get ourselves out of the dire financial straits we were in, and talk had turned to frustration and then argument.

By that point, the company owed us over seven thousand dollars.  We have still not seen a single penny to this day.

In any case, I decided to go out and get some fresh air, and I told Cathryn I was going to the variety store down the street.

In actual fact, I got in my car and drove 35 minutes to a park in Hamilton, on the Niagara Escarpment, and walked to a spot we know very well.  There is a tree, in Sam Lawrence Park, on a short bluff near the eastern edge of the park.  In front of the bluff is a very beautiful rock garden.

We had our engagement pictures taken in that rock garden, under the shade of the tree, in 1998.

We also buried the ashes of our daughter Hailey, Cameron’s sister, under that tree in 2001.  One of our engagement pictures clearly shows the spot where she is resting, and I look at it often.

I held on to that tree, in the cold December rain, in the dark, and I spoke to my daughter.

As the rain washed away the tears, I promised her that I would make everything better, no matter what I had to do.

–

I wrote this last night, actually, and what you have here is unedited, except for removing the real name of Splat Creek (to protect the “innocent”).  The photograph is a part of Sam Lawrence Park near the tree, but not of the actual tree I describe above.  I could not find one online, and I need a new scanner.